A Eulogy to Zayber

It has been months since Zayber passed away. Never to return and never to see us again. He is now taking his much awaited vacation. Away from everyone, away from the demands of clients, work and colleagues. 

Below is the Eulogy that I prepared for Zayber's necrological service. 

I dreamt of Sir Z last night. I was in his house with my daughter and husband and when I saw him, I told him: “Sir Z, we invaded your house” with a smirk he replied, “That’s fine” and he went on to search in a bunch of keys.

The events that transpired since last week was not at all normal. I had to attend to a meeting Monday morning of the 13^th with a heavy heart knowing that he is undergoing an operation. Although he texted me day before that he will be calling on sick last Monday, the news that he suffered a stroke was an unwelcomed news that no one wanted to hear. I went on to face a prospective client whom he already spoke with and was expecting to meet Zayber that day. The client got lost on his way to the office and was more so irritated that Zayber was not around. I knew that time that Sir Z was there guiding me in the meeting.

That same night in the hospital, we met his family. His wife, Ms. Sally, his mother, his cousin Ms. Shirley and the brothers of Ms.Sally, Sir Len and Leo (I hope I got your names right). 

We may have lost Sir Z in an untimely manner, but we also gained new friends through him. Our faces may be too familiar to his family right now and may even be referred as Sir Z’s groupies. Sir Z, we invaded your personal space in this untimely hour and we became friends with your family. It is quite unfortunate that this had to happen at this awkward moment. 

We may have known your Ms. Sally, Tammy and Sam through your stories which you are so fond of telling. But this time they are no longer names,they are your family whom we have seen and talked with for the past days.We will miss you, Sir Z. Your untimely death has brought us tears more so to your family. We may not be able to replace you with your family, but your remaining days here on earth has introduced us to your family and us to them. 

We celebrate your life, as a husband to Ms. Sally as a Tatay to Tammy and Sam, as a mentor, a colleague and a friend to us your Isla Lipana family. We will miss your booming voice and your quirks. I know you are tired, and days before all this happened you shared with me your thoughts: that "sometimes you want to throw everything away”. With your death you are not throwing everything away, we are here to live your life and celebrate it.Cheers Zayber and travel well.

My eyes were devoid of tears as I read this piece. But my heart was in deep pain while I was reading this knowing that he is no longer there. Knowing that when I report for work, Sir Z is no longer there. 

I am coping, struggling and still understanding God's plan for him. 

We miss you Sir Z. 

2011 in books

My work has pre-occupied all my weekday while my weekends are either spent on the road traveling from north to south and back. And yet i finally managed to squeeze in my favorite past time of all time, reading. Yes, i read a number of books for this year, thanks to Ayn Rand.

So here is the 2011 list:

1. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
2. The Painted House by John Grisham
3. The Child in Time by Ian McEwan
4. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
5. The Diary of a young girl by Anne Frank
6. First Love, Last Rites by Ian McEwan
7. Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Haruki Murakami
8. The Plot Against America by Philip Roth
9. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
10. The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown
11. Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
12. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
13. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
14. The Girl who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson
15. The Girl who Kicked the Hornets' Nest by Stieg Larsson
16. After the Quake by Haruki Murakami
17. When We Were Orphans by Kazuo Ishiguro
18. Peony in Love by Lisa See
19. Hard Boiled Wonderland and The End of the World by Haruki Murakami
20. Aleph by Paulo Coehlo

The aim was to read at least 2 books per month. But i have a child to take care of and a husband to please. Nonetheless, i am proud of 2011 for all the books that i read. I may have logged behind with Ayn Rand but it definitely rekindled my passion for reading. Stieg Larsson's trilogy may have been a stumbling block in my reading list but the first 2 books were definitely the best ones. I introduced my self to new authors in the likes of McEwan, Ishiguro and See and i found out that i am such sucker for love stories. 

WWII themed novels are always welcomed in my list, thanks to Roth and Anne Frank the lists goes on. 

Since I'm a paper back fan, i opted to wait for the release of the 2nd and 3rd installments of the Hunger Games this year. A swollen foot in April did not stop me from finishing Mockingjay while I was at the same time hastily finishing a report.

Murakami will always be my favorite. The accident of picking up Kafka on the Shore in the bookstore introduced me to the world of talking cats and a world which is unreal. After the Quake was a timely read for this year. Though the stories were experiences from the quake in Kobe, the March 2011 quake in Japan   inspired me to read on.

The list for this year is not at all complete. I have 2 more days left to finish Atonement which i started in parallel with Hard Boiled Wonderland. But then again the list goes on for 2012. I have purchased a number of books on discount with the objective of getting a good deal out of the purchase. As i hoard these books in my closet and as the trend goes to e-books, i wonder if i will ever stop myself from appreciating the smell of paper and ink on a new book. I guess, I will never will.

The Wonder Years

Back when i was 10, barely 2 years after EDSA I and a year after parents separated, i was engrossed with my new life as a single child. I have 3 siblings and all of them decided to live with my mom while i on the other hand stayed with my dad. As a single child i had my turn on adventures and misadventures in life. I had the freedom that i only dreamt of when the family was still together. I had the chance to have my allowance, ride the jeepney on my own, travel from my house to my classmate's house alone, eat scramble and all other street foods. It was the best days of my life as a young adult.

But since i was left alone with my dad, there are days that i never saw my dad. Days where my only companion is the tv and the family computer that i longed for one christmas. Nights when i cry myself to sleep and think if the family is better off together and not separated as it is. I decided to stay with my dad to get myself spared from my loud mouth mom. From the punishments that i deserve every time i fail her. Only to find out in the end that there is no perfect mom nor a perfect dad or a perfect family.

At 32, i still cry every time i remember my wonder years. The day when my dad left the house to live with his mother was the worst day that the family has seen. These are the bones that lie in my closet.

My mom and dad had attempts to save the marriage and failed twice on these attempts. On those attempts myself and my siblings reacted in different ways. I succumbed to smoking and drinking. While the rest of my brothers will have their own stories to tell.

The family is better now. My mom and dad are still separated. Dad visits us during family occasions and loves watching over his 2 apos. I still cry. And perhaps i am the only one in the family that still cries over what happened. This is my wonder years. Spent in a fashion where the memories are so vivid as if pictures were taken to remind me of these memories. This is my attempt to feel better and forget about the separation. I love my family now and whatever we have become is the result of our unity despite the tragedy. We still wonder and posts are own what ifs but will still go back to the thought that it was better this way.

Everyone will have their own story to tell, this is my story, my wonder years.

Healing

I am writing to heal myself of the pain that has beset me for the past for 3 weeks.

Regrettably, I am positive for TB and so is my child. We are both carriers and currently looking for the culprit.

This is DM2 and its consequences. Making me smile in an odd way when my sugar is high. Making me look upset and makes me dizzy when its too low. It has caused my depression and making me pathetically irritated.

I may look normal and have a healthy stature. But inside, I can feel myself dying. Longing for the understanding that I am suppose to have. I may be one of the hated persons in my office because I no longer smile because of my DM2, TB, possible glaucoma and reactive lymph nodes.

And because I am in pain and still hurting I have no recourse but to write.

DM2

Today is Good Friday and today i experienced severe dizziness and headache.

I am diabetic. On most occasions I pity myself for having this illness. But as my endocrinologist said, you should be thankful you don't have cancer. Yes, he is right I should be thankful na eto lang ang sakit ko. But you see, if you have diabetes you are prone in having a heart and renal disease. In other words, its scary to have diabetes.

Backtracking in June 2009, i barely slept to go to the bathroom and take a leak for almost every hour of the night which bothered me for the rest of the day. Coupled with itchiness, i went to see my OBgyne and recommended me to do a fasting blood sugar test to confirm her theory. As usual I was in denial. Sabi ko nga "hindi naman siguro ako..." never mind. And the results came in. I have DM2.

Hearing that over my endocrinologist, I feel I was cursed and it was the end for me. That explained my weight loss, my constant feeling of getting thirsty coupled with the frequent trips to the bathroom and itchiness. And the most obvious of them all, ants in the bathroom.

So why do i have to start my blog, with this? To remind me that days have passed and I am still alive. To remind me, that's in not the end of the world. That I can do something to fight this off. That I have to take my medicines even if my tummy turns and gets upset every time the doctor changes it. That I have to avoid eating sweets and be careful with what I eat. That I have to exercise and go to the gym as often as I can to burn those sugars. And most important of it all, my family needs me.